Now Playing: Nora Jones...Come away with me
Admist the hopeful future comes an emotion I am all too familiar with...confusion.
All my life, fear has been a huge driver of my actions, my insecurities, the secret of my innermost pain. I am fighting like hell right now to breathe. To give it all up and let my faith and belief that the future holds wonderful promise take hold.
In the past I have let confusion and indecisiveness take command of my life. All the while fear was brimming at the surface, refusing to be acknowledged. So let me acknowledge it right now.
I am terrified. I am terrified that I might get the house of my dreams and be forced into a state of stability. I am terrified that my job may fall through and that contrary to everything everyone has ever surmised, seen or said, that my image of success will be broken and I will be branded a failure. I have always been so great at bolstering a facade of confidence, but lacking the earnest belief that I am worthy.
And more than anything, I am terrified of this man that has entered my life. Terrified at the prospect of finding love and committing myself to another person. I am terrified of taking a chance and finding myself broken hearted. The butterflies don't come around often, and I just can't get him out of my head. How has he come into my life in such a short time and created these intense feelings so quickly?
He's easing the pain that BP left behind. I feel like I'm almost ready to let him go. Looking at their pictures yesterday, he looked happy and healthy. I felt compelled to comment on them. He deserves happiness. We weren't meant for each other and it's time for me to let him go. There is someone out there that I can bring joy and light to. I am not a failure for not meeting his needs.
I finally breathe those words aloud. It's freeing being able to finally express it. To not let food or drink or sex disguise it. I don't want to live in the past anymore, nor do I want to live in the future. I refuse to live in fear or a state of hopefulness. If I really search my heart, I have everything I want in front of me. I just need to commit to the willingness to take risks and trust my heart as always. It's often hard for me to recognize this, but you know, it's not so bad being in the present.
Updated: Thursday, 15 January 2009 9:18 PM HST
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