Mood:  crushed out

BRING ON THE CRUSHES!!

  I had this premonition a few months back that I would meet a man who would play a significant role in my life within the next year. It hit me suddenly and instantaneoulsy and with utter certainty I was a believer in fate.

   I wasn't going to sit around waiting for it or start looking for this amazing man. Like most of the clear, defining moments in my life, I just understood to live and let lie. The future would work itself out in due time.

   And today I sit here writing this with great anticipation, wondering if my truth is about to come to fruition. I met this guy a couple months back that I felt an easy and comfortable likeness with. We're both adventurous, have kind hearts and are pretty sensitive individuals. And similarly, I think we are both trying to grasp our own transitional situations and continue moving forward in life.

  It's been two years since BP and I split, and my heart still aches for this man. While I realize this missing pieces of our past relationship will never work out, it's hard for me to let my past disappear. He was once my friend, my confidant, my lover. And I finally realize and see that there may be another man who can bring the same joy and confort to my life that BP once did.

   Fantastic right? Well, I'm not sure that my feelings may be reciprocated. It's been a long time since I spent the night talking with a guy about everything under the stars, but I wonder if I am rushing my feelings. I'm afraid to let my heart love but only because I am afraid of rejection. Pain is  one emotion I know I can deal with...humiliation is much harder.

    I have to admit that I am a pretty fabulous person! But sharing all of those intimate details, my past, trying to show them whom I once was and what I have become is monumentally intimidating. And as school girlish as this sounds... what if he only sees me as a friend? He's fresh off of a heartbreak and obviously needs time to heal.

    But something in my heart just feels so connected to this wonderful man. I'm intrigued by his artistic side, his boyish humor, and his desire to seek adventure! His sensitivity and vulnerableness tug at the strings of my heart. One thing that BP never was is open, honest, and able to communicate his feelings. CS has already shared heartache in the first couple nights together. His sincerity and love for life reaches me at my very core. For the first time in five years my stomach is filled with butterflies.

    I'm sure if I still had a sponser she'd tell me to take it one day at a time and to listen to my heart. I'd argue back that its hard to leave my head out of it when our working situation makes things already super complex. My heart is telling me to be open, and to feel my feelings and see where things go. The reward may be well worth the effort.

   I guess I leave you with this final thought:

"Life is made up of desires that seem big and vital one minute, and little and absurd the next. I guess we get what's best for us in the end." - Alice Caldwell Rice