Mood:  vegas lucky

Following some good advice from a new friend.. I'm giving it up to the universe:

I leave my life in your hands. The most I can do today is put one foot in front of the other and pray that you have my back.

Since moving to the islands, I have learned that I need to let go of what I want most and let the universe bring it back to me. What I have learned today is that I need to believe that I deserve it and to allow these things to come my way.

So here it is universe. I am an intelligent, caring, adventurous woman who is looking for three specific things: a career that I love and which challenges me, a home to start the next chapter of my life in and a man to share my life, hopes and dreams with.

I've written a few lists on what I am looking for in a partner but I feel the need to add it to this entry. He needs to be a single, heterosexual male. Sincere, romantic, able to share his feelings, and full of adventure. I want a man who will challenge me to be a better person and a person who will be an equal partner in life. A person who loves to travel and is honest and open.

The rest is in your hands. I can say with the uttermost certainty that I am ready to put myself out there, to be vulnerable and take a chance on love. I want to feel to the very tips of my toes, ache to be near him every second of the day, and be lost in the soul of another human being.

I willing to wait for your answer and will continue to live my life to the fullest now, then, and forever.

Trinity-

I offer myself to thee,

to build with me and do with my as thou wilt.

Relieve me of the bondage of strength

so that I may better do thy will.

May I do thy will always!!

Mood:  crushed out

BRING ON THE CRUSHES!!

  I had this premonition a few months back that I would meet a man who would play a significant role in my life within the next year. It hit me suddenly and instantaneoulsy and with utter certainty I was a believer in fate.

   I wasn't going to sit around waiting for it or start looking for this amazing man. Like most of the clear, defining moments in my life, I just understood to live and let lie. The future would work itself out in due time.

   And today I sit here writing this with great anticipation, wondering if my truth is about to come to fruition. I met this guy a couple months back that I felt an easy and comfortable likeness with. We're both adventurous, have kind hearts and are pretty sensitive individuals. And similarly, I think we are both trying to grasp our own transitional situations and continue moving forward in life.

  It's been two years since BP and I split, and my heart still aches for this man. While I realize this missing pieces of our past relationship will never work out, it's hard for me to let my past disappear. He was once my friend, my confidant, my lover. And I finally realize and see that there may be another man who can bring the same joy and confort to my life that BP once did.

   Fantastic right? Well, I'm not sure that my feelings may be reciprocated. It's been a long time since I spent the night talking with a guy about everything under the stars, but I wonder if I am rushing my feelings. I'm afraid to let my heart love but only because I am afraid of rejection. Pain is  one emotion I know I can deal with...humiliation is much harder.

    I have to admit that I am a pretty fabulous person! But sharing all of those intimate details, my past, trying to show them whom I once was and what I have become is monumentally intimidating. And as school girlish as this sounds... what if he only sees me as a friend? He's fresh off of a heartbreak and obviously needs time to heal.

    But something in my heart just feels so connected to this wonderful man. I'm intrigued by his artistic side, his boyish humor, and his desire to seek adventure! His sensitivity and vulnerableness tug at the strings of my heart. One thing that BP never was is open, honest, and able to communicate his feelings. CS has already shared heartache in the first couple nights together. His sincerity and love for life reaches me at my very core. For the first time in five years my stomach is filled with butterflies.

    I'm sure if I still had a sponser she'd tell me to take it one day at a time and to listen to my heart. I'd argue back that its hard to leave my head out of it when our working situation makes things already super complex. My heart is telling me to be open, and to feel my feelings and see where things go. The reward may be well worth the effort.

   I guess I leave you with this final thought:

"Life is made up of desires that seem big and vital one minute, and little and absurd the next. I guess we get what's best for us in the end." - Alice Caldwell Rice

Mood:  incredulous

   I'm absolutely amazed to be experiencing this type of movement in my lifetime. Not only have we elected our very first African American President, but our President-Elect Obama has inspired a change amongst his fellow Americans.

   This is a man who demonstrates honesty, heart, and leadership. A man who will bring a sense of security and prosperity to a country in a dark age. He is a man who makes a believe again. Hope is such a powerful and often unreachable emotion. This man  has brought hope back to not only me, but millions of others regardless of age, gender, race, religion, or sexual orientation. He understands how to move mountains and does it delicately and with overwhelming humility. For years I haven't been able to define someone I consider a hero.

   Our hero, our angel, Barack Obama!

   Have you ever looked up at the night sky and felt humbled by the enormity in front of you? That you've never seen so many stars in your life? And you maybe felt like if only your everyday life could be laid out with the simplicity and harmony of the universe laid before you?

   Living in Hilo, it's a gift to capture the intoxicating sky gleaming before you in a pitch of darkness. Even at sea level you can see the solar system, planets, satellites, and millions of stars working together in perfect unison as if a conductor stands and directs every precise movement. It feels effortless...calming...natural.

  As I looked up at tonight's sky, I see every characteristic that I want in my life. Too often I feel as thought I am fighting an impossible current. Swimming blindly upstream not knowing which the fork in the river I should follow.

  I recently decided to take a new path. I'm following my heart for once. I can only hope it brings me peace, love, and hope...the same feelings I find looking up into the star-filled heavens.